The snow falls and love grows

There's a mermaid on our book shelf and she smiles at me every day. Walking through freshly sprinkled snow on the streets of New Paltz you cant help but believe Bohemia isn't far away, "Everything is purple and green" I hear travelling in my direction. My brain stirs wild visions and colors fill the squishy self defining important nerve ball behind my eyeballs. "This meeting isn't important" flashes though a bundle of nerves while synonymously instructing my fingers to hit the end call button. I see trees grow green leaves behind my eyes, multi color flowers emerge from wet muddy soil and bloom. The air feels warm wet even as the sun sets over the ridge and wild spring energy returns. "I can't wait for spring" I say never coming close to conveying what I see but I know she sees the same visions and has the same feelings for energy. 2 weeks and counting a spring preview will emerge in the Caribbean.

peace tip #27

PEACE TIP #27
Don't take life for granted.



People come together over crisis. The death and destruction following the earthquakes in Haiti has been a numbing thought; I cannot fathom being in the midst of all the tears and suffering.

Granny passed away over the weekend, and the reality of mortality provokes a schism in mindful memories.

Live each moment. Love every moment. Let despair cease and subside.

She's a tough cookie

Tree tops are flowing
Wind is howling all around
Crunchy white below

It's 1am, Emily is warm cute and floating through white puffy clouds with purple feathered wings as dreams spiral by. Still warming from a Sunday wandering though misty mountains, I am proud of her.


Every day continues to be better then the last. Walls concurred, Wilco playing we lie down in the fluffy red.

I've been reading through old entries of another journal. If you told me then I'd be who I am now, I'd find you to be a bit incredible. If you told me now who I was then, I'd find you unbelievable. I am accordingly so.

Justin and I hiked through 9 miles of snow in the Catskills with our neighbors yesterday. I'm sludge tonight; the backs of my legs feel bludgeoned.

Remember when we hunted and gathered? Our lives moved!

note to self

Don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up.

peace tip #26

PEACE TIP #26
Don't take people's cookies without asking.


R. showed up in my dream last night, but she wasn't shrouded in the hazy gray cloud that bogged us down on Grace Street that year. Instead, she was hugging me and being very supportive of the fictionalized situation. I was looking for work at an unfamiliar institution, and we were roommates again. I explained to her that I was very sorry for raiding her pantry without her knowing, and she cooly said, "It's fine, it's fine, it's all fine now..."

need.to.write

Justin let me read a speech given by David Foster Wallace last night, and I think it got to me.

*

LISTENER COMPLAINT: I hate the term "disconnect." I hear it all the time on NPR, and it drives me bonkers. It's been said to me twice in two situations that were almost equally painful, and I prefer not to hear the word.

*

"You don't seem like the money grubbing type," someone said to me once after I confessed that I was studying advertising at my alma mater. Likely, this was during a heyday spent shoeless in the sun in front of a large columned library during a congregation of local-vores and environmental enthusiasts.

I then explained why I was attracted to the industry--there was a promise of making a living by creating art and writing. Then I learned how the industry can be used for betterment of society. Dreams I had, dreams they were, dreams they can still be. In the meantime, I might be placing plates in front of hungry faces again.

In the past few months, I've dealt with dizzying rejection accompanied by self-defeat, and I'm starting to plead lazy.

Over a few years, I tried to achieve something. I guess employment was an end goal, but it wasn't the end goal. By the time I escaped Tuscaloosa, I became "young and idealistic," propelled by learning injustices and put off by notions of bureaucracy. My father likely called me "naive."

I found something wonderful and went with it. I'm happy like I never knew happy could be. I'm comfortable, and I'm sleeping again. I'm dreaming again, too. Sometimes, I get the feeling that I'm in a waking sleep. Such a moment occurred this morning when I rubbed Justin's back as the room became brighter.

*

I realize I do need to stay awake and push harder. I've holed myself up to apply for jobs, and I've strayed from activism. I'm resolving not to let the go-getter go just yet.

All the disappointment on the job front makes it difficult, but "it'll happen." My hopes and my passions have me hyped up to hear back from Genergy. This week, I hope.

In the meantime, this is a written statement to myself to forget about springtime fiascos and catch up with karma.



courtesy of xkdc.com

TIME Travel: Early July 2009

continued from an earlier post...

Long days spent working on production of something that got a bit derailed; Iceland was an experience, that's for sure. Hours of footage brought an influx of contrasting emotions, but the meticulous work of organizing and ordering scenes to tell a story began before it ended in Boeblingen, Germany. I had no expectations of what was to come, nor did I hope for the adventure that did. Nothing--none of the mountains, valleys or glaciers--made me feel more part of this world than coming to understand that YES, DEAR, LOVE AND ITS KINDRED SPIRIT DOES EXIST.

I remember walking through the maddening heat of a parking lot in Tuscaloosa to return from a day of grasping how to use this-and-that software and figuring out just exactly how to piece together a puzzle that ultimately few would realize was a summer's worth of fret and an aspiration to make a film. Never mind the technicalities--there was a long blond-topped body stretched out on my couch that dozed as the afternoon sun forced itself through white window panes.

I couldn't disturb the sleeper at once, but I captured his light instead:

peace tip #25

PEACE TIP #25
Look forward.


Sometimes I let things bother for longer than they should. There once was a person I called "boy wonder." He was trumped over six months ago. I can't even use the word "replaced." Sparkles shines more than he is a wonder.

Yesterday, I had an interview in a fancy Sheraton in Mahwah, NJ. Maybe that's what led to the dream of being lost in an 800 story hotel last night; one that had trams and sideways elevators and dumbwaiters.

The situation also harped to another former scenario. in my sleep, I felt the same fright the Mother Hen gave me after I was late to a congregation of competitors. I begged in my own words for consideration that I had been told to be down thirty minutes later than actuality demanded, and that no one relayed the message as I requested. I felt alone and completely disoriented months ago and also in the nightmare. Another person from my past was there, and I felt confronted and exposed as a frail body and a lost soul.

I woke up and Justin was sound asleep behind me. Feelings of safety and love fell over with dawn's light. I was safe in consciousness.

Time passes, and it's hard not to think back; however, it's so much more soothing to look forward.

peace tip #24

PEACE TIP #24
Stay healthy.


Justin and I have been sick and miserable to the point that the mucus in our head is clouding our thoughts and giving us bad dreams. We don't feel good now, but we will get better. Two days in bed are two days wasted.

The cold--the one outside and probably the one in my body--is getting to me. I feel ughhhh at the thought dodging the elements (snow, ice, and slush are foreign to this Southern girl!), but I did manage to conquer 5 miles of bridge today. I've been craggy because the clothes I retrieved from my dad's house have gotten a bit snug. Thank you, beer and lethargy. I've resolved to quit the brew and the chocolate for a while. Meanwhile, I'm still working on the employment thing while listening to stats on the "climbing joblessness rate" on NPR. Hope, ga, hope! It'll come...

Before departing for the holidays, I did work for Will, Justin's friend who is also an architect who works on "green" buildings. I made a magazine ad and Christmas cards for him, and I'm craving to redesign his website: http://www.willbuilders.com.

Like Will, we have a rock climbing wall in our residence now. Justin built it with plywood and 2 x 4's. We've been adding holds, some of which we built ourselves, a few pieces at a time. I must get strong by this spring, or at least get fit by February to go to Jamaica, mon.

Murry (belated) Christmus!